The weekend before my 25th birthday – which was on the Monday – I had a picnic on the Sunday with all my Friends. It was super nice, I spent £50 on snacks and I drank myself into an absolutely gorgeous state. A lot of people had work but oh no, not me, I wasn’t starting work until the Tuesday. So I did what all sane people would do, and took my Friend to this bar under my flat and we continued the fun, where by this point my body was more alcohol than blood. I knew the barman so he plied us with more drinks and we ended up talking to these two guys: one was normal looking and the other one looked exactly like Ed Sheeran. In fact, I think that’s probably what we discussed first. But we all instantly clicked and became a new foursome; obviously on reflection I think they just wanted to have sex.
I’m not sure how we filled the rest of the time but I know it involved a lot of running around – the bar has a basement that is filled with nooks and crannies, and we all climbed into this giant space in the wall and talked a lot of shit for a lot of hours. I remember doing a lot of googling of Ed Sheeran’s face and holding my phone up to the New Ed’s face and each time being more shocked at the resemblance.
As I said, I lived above the bar, so of course the sensible thing was to invite two complete strangers back with us at 1am on a Monday morning. I was left with Ed Sheeran in the kitchen, where he tried to convince me that we should get together even though he had a girlfriend, because ‘she was cool with it’. I may be drunk, Ed, but the sober me knows that this would never, ever happen for you. Meanwhile, my Friend was off snoggin the other guy, and I found them in my room. I stormed in shouting “NO ONE IS HAVING SEX ON MY BIRTHDAY APART FROM ME” and instantly lay down in the middle of them and made them go to sleep.
It was about 9am when I hazily opened my eyes and looked over at my sweet, snuffling Friend. I love her. I was so glad to wake up with her on my birthday; not so glad when I looked to my left and there was an abundance of strange hair and limbs. But don’t worry, everything was redeemed when the normal looking guy from the night before – who had at one point declared himself to be our new best friend – slowly but surely opened his eyes and welcomed me into my 25th year of life by whispering softly into my ear: “Happy birthday Karen!”