Currently back from the gym and crawled into my bed because THE RAIN. What is this humidity? I’m going on a date (2nd date 😉 ) tonight and I’m already panicking about what to do with my hair. I’m going to have to use about nine different serums.
I haven’t written a post for a while but I thought I’d catch you up on my current state of mind. If you care. If you don’t, come back next week for something else and have a nice week.
During my final year at uni, my French lecturer came over to me, took me aside and told me something that has stuck with me ever since: “Katie – you’re not happy are you. Your emotions are all over your face and I can read them every time you have a group discussion.” To give some context, this was during a group project where no, I wasn’t happy, because one member was The Worst Human Being In The World and I won’t go into detail because I don’t want to remember they exist. I should’ve been more proactive about my frustration but it was a learning curve. Anyway, I realised that yes, I’m a very sensitive being. I feel all the feelings. And apparently they show on my face. I’m a living emoji!
Although I’m going to work on that, I think it’s also something I don’t give myself enough credit for. One of the reasons I wanted to start a blog was to be open, vulnerable and raw with the people that read it. Despite the subject matter, whether it’s about lipstick or something more serious, it’s incredibly vulnerable putting yourself out there for people to read. And I’m proud of myself that I do, even if most of the time it’s to my own detriment. *Thinks back to crotch-hole story*
I’m also pleased that I do feel all the feelings. It’s both a blessing and a curse, but I am very in tune with my own thoughts which I think can’t be a bad thing. I do tend to talk over and over things in my head, often sending myself insane. Yes, I am quite anxious a lot of the time because I overthink things. But it’s better than not thinking at all I guess. I also have come to realise during the past six months – and having a lot of time for self-reflection – that it’s just how I am built. How a lot of us are built. The great thing about being open with people is that you recognise so many things in other people that you see reflected in yourself. The human mind and all its complexities, differences, similarities continues to boggle me.
I’m going to try to spend less time moping and more time doing. This period of my life does feel rubbish. But it won’t be forever. And even if I have to do more temp jobs where I clean the loos, so be it. I have a half marathon to run in two months’ time and I keep getting this niggling feeling that I’ve been having the same attitude towards running – sometimes, only sometimes – as I’ve been having towards life. Sometimes I’m not in the mood, my mind wanders and I give up. Yesterday was one of those days. So, I asked a friend who is a regular runner (and coincidentally date numero dos) and his reply? “JUST GO OUTSIDE AND RUN BAE!” (…the bae was a joke. I hope?)
So I did. I didn’t do the best run ever, but I did one. I’m not having the best time ever in this stage of life, but I’m trying and keeping going and still have all my organs intact – actually, I look the best I’ve looked in years. Except now, not only do I feel all the feelings, I feel all my calves and shins. ANDTHEYF*CKINGHURT.