1.Try and avert your eyes. Be very wary of direct eye contact on the tube, I accidentally did that with a grown man who was crying earlier and he looked so ashamed that I’d seen him. It made me feel sad and made him sadder. Just don’t do it. If it’s late at night and you’re looking around you, try to only stare at trees, buildings or passing cars. Nothing else with eyes should be looked at, including urban foxes. Or you will be pursued.
2.Yeah an Honest burger is really nice, but so is eating sad meals at home that you’ve cobbled together, from food you bought a week ago that you thought you’d eat within the week. Where you can, substitute meals out at fancy schmancy places for brown avocados and stale bread at home. Sprinkle chilli and lemon (if you don’t have a fresh one, just grab an old one you’ve already thrown into the bin) over the top and you’ll feel like you’re at brunch in Brixton Village.
3.Why spend £130 per month on the tube when you can download the CityMapper app for free and walk everywhere. Allow approximately two hours walking for each journey and you’ll be at your destination in no time at all. If you can’t afford your phone bill anymore then allow five hours per journey and just head in the general direction. There will probably be signs – just don’t ask anyone, and if you do, don’t look directly at them.
4.Don’t bother making any new friends because you won’t have time to see the ones you already have. No matter how much free time you think you’ll have to meet up and have a natter, you’ll find yourselves on a Sunday afternoon wondering where the week went. If you do have friends, and they live more than 30 minutes on the tube line from you, then phase them out slowly, but surely. You won’t be needing them again.
5.If you work in the City, then only buy one suit and save the rest of your money, until one day you have enough to move to the Bahamas and never come back. This will also save on emotional and physical distress as you try to navigate the labyrinth that is Bank station.
6.Social media in London can tell you more about the city than anything else can. If you’re not on Twitter, then you would’ve missed an earlier status I saw about someone eating a whole bell pepper on the District and Central Line this morning, at approximately 8.32 am. You won’t be able to use any of your phone’s functions until you’re ten yards out of the tube, but get online, or you will miss out.
7.Falling in love on the tube is mandatory when you move here. It will never be fulfilled, but you will spend a proportion of the day wondering if you’d just maybe faced their way a bit more, then you could’ve been asked out for dinner that very evening. None of it will ever come to fruition, but when you’re not squashed up against the door you could always try turning round to try and touch their hand as you lurch forwards for something to grab on to, before you fall to the floor. Survive this, by following tip number one and save yourself the heartache.
8.Not sure which pop-up to attend next? The best way to keep up to date and stay current is to avoid fun altogether. Stay at home, crawl under your covers and never need wonder whether Mile End is the new Shoreditch or not.
9.Lastly, all these points – whilst have some truth to them – are tongue-in-cheek. There’s a lot of fun to be had here if you’re willing to give it a go. The everyday stuff will bog you down. You’ll spend a lot of time moaning and angry. But it’s all part of Big City Life. If you want to meet a 100% happy-all-the-time Londoner then I suggest you go to the Bahamas. I think there’s some escapees there; but between frozen margaritas they’re probably pining after some corner of the Big Smoke.
Image taken from vadamagazine.com